27 rules for having the best summer of your life in NYC

my petty, perfect guide to summer in the city

I have a gripe.

In the winter, all New Yorkers moan and groan about how cold it is and how the winter is everlasting. We one up each other on who has more severe seasonal depression, we buy ourselves lights that emit various artificial hues of sunlight and we go to mold infested crypto-mining bath houses to warm up.

And when the weather finally gets warm, what do we do?

We literally leave the city every. Single. Weekend!

It’s like people forgot how much pain they endured to get to the main event — New York in the summer. You can walk outside without a million layers. Your skin develops a natural glow. The humidity envelops you like a warm hug. Restaurants are marginally easier to get a reservation at. People are barely wearing clothes — you get to see a lot of nipples and maybe some butt cheek.

a slight butt cheek

So with that, I want to make the argument that everyone should stay in New York City (or wherever they live unless it’s Antarctica) as much as they can in the summer. I don’t have an exact list but here are some of my guidelines, rules, bucket list items for New York this summer :) :) :)

DOs for a NYC Summer

• Perform an act of kindness to your mortal enemy

• Barbecue grill at a park using one of their grills

• Rent a group house in the Hamptons, Berkshires, Catskills, etc.

  • Get a car too so you can roll the windows down with full a/c and something like Life is a Highway or Born to Run blasting

• Have a picnic in Central Park with sandwiches and premade food from Zabars

• Sit in the nosebleeds at the U.S. Open

no rules in the 300s !

• Walk all of Manhattan starting at 225th Street and zig zag your way down - make sure to stop at the Met Cloisters & the Indian Caves

• Coordinate 1 day ur going to play hookie with your friends

• Make plans for breakfast, coffee and morning walks

chez ma tante panckes are overrated (pictured) - better pancakes are Breakfast by Salt’s Cure & Cookshop on the weekends

• Go to hibachi and catch a shrimp in your mouth like ur the main event at sea world

• Quit your job now if you’re at all thinking about it (even if youre not at all thinking about it, maybe do it??)

  • You should always quit your job in Spring Summer Fall so you can maximize that period between jobs when you have no responsibilities - I’ve never quit my job because I’ve worked at the same place for 12 years but I do have fantasies about this period where you have no work email

• Workout at an outdoor gym or at the park instead of paying for your classes

• Wake up early and go to bed late !!!

• Have a day after your day - make a full set of plans after work since the sun goes down at like 10 pm

• Read at least 3 books this summer

• Drink a whole bottle of wine with a book on an outdoor sidewalk

probably still drank this even with the fly

• Buy fresh flowers and a baguette and carry them in a wicker basket

• Go to the Rockaways and Coney Island

• Go to pools - obviously if you have a membership at a club or gym that has a pool go there but some other tips

  • Book a massage at Printing House or Hudson Yards Equinox on a day you want to play hookie and use the pool

  • Book a hotel room at The William Vale, Rockaway Hotel, Gansevoort Hotel, Virgin Hotel, The Dominick, 1Hotel Brooklyn Bridge, etc

  • Go to the Public Pool ! I’ve never done this because I worry about UTIs but what the heck - we can live with 1-2 UTIs each summer

• Go to Roosevelt Island - take the tram car; Go to Governors Island - go to QCNY; take the Staten Island Ferry - don’t get off though in Staten Island

• Go to a concert at Citi Field

• Sit outside playing Monopoly Deal with your besties

if we’re ever out and u want to play monopoly deal odds are I have it in my purse

• Get a table at The Box

• Go up to Storm King

• Pose nude for an art class

• Make someone film you doing the Carrie Bradshaw run across the street when you’re wearing something cute

• Go see a ballet or an opera at Lincoln Center

• Speak to strangers

  • When ur seeking out directions ask people walking down the street instead of Googling it

• Grow a garden - can be small herbs on your window or if you have a backyard that squirrels cannot get to tomatoes, zucchinis, strawberries (you guys know fruits and vegetables)

• Get ice cream every night after dinner

I only added this picture because I look hot

• Buy a helmet and then citibike down West Side Highway, across Williamsburg Bridge, around Central Park, etc.

• Wear sunscreen and change your skincare routine for the season

DONTs for a NYC Summer

• Wear headphones when you’re walking around the city - summer is peak gossip eavesdropping

• Complain about the heat

• Be away every weekend

• Carry a ton of stuff when you leave the house

• Get one of those fans that you wear around your neck that squirts water too - you will look like a loser, you’re welcome in advance

• Be the first to leave a party - any other season you should leave the party when it feels peak but in the summer you never know what’s going to come next

• Post pictures of Manhattanhenge

• Wear linen or silk **unless you have driver all night (no sweating) and you won’t be sitting at all (no wrinkles)

Okay, we’re done here. Bye.