how to upgrade your life for $0

you sick, slippery little salamander (this will make sense after u read)

If you have a foot fetish I hope the summer is nice for you since many boys & girls are wearing open toed shoes. If you have a nipple fetish I hope the summer is also nice for you since many boys & girls are nipping through their white teeny tiny tank tops.

Not sure what other fetishes are thriving right now with this warm weather but I hope you sickos get ur cups filled.

Onwards - to - light non-life changing hopes, dreams and aspirations.

I got that summertime summertime sadness - no I don’t these are just the summertime goals I have but I can’t say summertime without getting Lana stuck in my head

Sorry really long header - but these are summertime goals. Kind of the same as the last newsletter but a lil different.

• No more cursing - we’re using words like dang, what the heck and frick instead of their adult counterparts (da*n, what the h*ll, f*c*).

• Spend less than 2 hours daily phone time.

• Cap drinking to 2 nights a week.

imagine a juicier a** and me holding this for 60 seconds - not the reality which was pausing on a video the precise moment I hold it in place and screenshotting it to post on substack

• When you’re near grass - practice handstands. The goal is to be able to hold a handstand for a minute by the end of the summer.

• Call your friends to chat when you have the urge to scroll.

• The only plan you should make is to meet up. What comes after that should just be where the wind blows you that day. Two cute leaves tumbling around the city.

best traits in an heirloom tomato : bulbous, misshapen, lumpy

• Make the most delicious BLT sourcing the best ingredients which include :

  • Sourdough from your local bakery

  • The most expensive French butter you can find at your grocery store

  • Thickest cut organic bacon

  • Crispest Romaine lettuce

  • Freshest Farmer’s Market heirloom tomatoes

  • Kewpie mayo

  • Maldon sea salt

• 15K+ average steps per day

• Get a hole in one - I don’t golf but I’d like to go golfing at least once this summer and play 18 holes and have at least one of those holes be a hole in one.

What other things do we need to have on this list?

WAYS TO UPGRADE YOUR LIFE THAT DON’T COST ANY MONEY $$!

I’m frivolous when it comes to spending. If I don’t need it, I’ll buy it and if I need it, I’ll also buy it. If you need it, I might buy it for you and if you don’t need it, I’ll probably buy it for me.

But when I’m feeling the pinch or any sensibility or responsibility and want to make my life better these are some of the things I do. Not the things you’ve seen a lot like make your bed, go for a walk, light a candle - but it’s probably stuff you don’t think of as upgrades to your life but they are. Cause I said so :)

slather hour with sister

1. Slather - and I mean slather on moisturizer and a lip mask : don’t go light here but I guess don’t put so much moisturizer on you clog your pores. Whatever, I think you get it. Put on the perfect amount which is when you start to feel like a slimy salamander.

2. Drink water out of a glass : Stop drinking out of big gauche water bottles and start drinking out of water glasses, preferably thin, fragile, delicate water glasses. There’s refinement when drinking water out of a glass. Plus, it tastes better and you look better drinking out of a glass than a plastic water bottle, yeti, nalgene, etc.
   
   **Bonus** in this theme, when heating up leftovers or takeout, put your food on a plate. No eating out of to-go containers. Treat yourself with as much dignity as you would when you have guests come to your house.

   

   was introduced to someone in a group thread and really tried to make the nickname stick

3. Give yourself a nickname and demand your friends call u that : this one probably won’t stick but it’s fun and creates a little joy. I was inspired by my smallest friend (my best friend’s son) who wanted all his classmates to call him Falcon. I then asked all my friends to call me Bunnie. It was and is still a fun joke. One of my friends also got me a tote that says “Bunnie” on it.

4. And on that note, make a name for your home : The two easiest ways are for the street number or street name but you could also go super regal and have your home referred to as Balmoral or Buckingham. It makes things a bit mysterious and maybe makes it seem like you have lots of homes. Saying “meet me at 45,” sounds a lot cooler than, “meet me at my studio at 123 W. 45th street.” And of course you can follow-up with them with your actual address.

   

   perfect little tea set

5. Not to bring it back to glassware but have a matching coffee mug saucer set : at best you will feel like Marie Antoinette and at worst you’ll feel like the therapist mom in the movie Get Out. Theatrical and rich either way. And no rings of coffee mugs on your counter or breakfast table.

6. Create something : for me it’s this Substack and baked goods. For you it may be digging in your backyard to create a pool or churning cream into butter but make (instead of consume) something. It feels pretty dang good.

Okay, we’re done here. Bye.