10 ways to be hotter by tomorrow morning

plus did i just journalism ???

If you’re in NYC you know this was the week.

The week where we go from winter to springsummer.

The week where you come out of your metaphorical gremlin layer and bloom anew.

The week where you say goodbye to your winter uglies and get 2-5X hotter.

The range of how hot you can get as you enter this season varies on a lot. There’s some stuff no one can help you with - it’s either your genetics or how much willpower you are or aren’t willing to have. That is not what we’re discussing.

What we’re discussing is what I’d call the intangible attributes of hotness - the subtleties in everyday interactions that make a difference.

So with that, if you want to be hotter … among other things … keep reading !

the 10 rules of warm weather hotness

the only summer fashion inspiration

1. Touch people when you’re having a conversation with them : Is there anything nicer than a caress of the arm as you’re in conversation or a little forearm grab while you’re laughing amongst friends and lovers?

2. Put your phone away : Reallllly trying to work on this. If you’re out to dinner with friends, don’t even have your phone on the table. It’s really hot to give people your undivided attention. Stop doing the thing where you’re on your phone and say, “I’m listening,” while you’re clearly multi-tasking. It’s not nice ! And not hot !!!

3. Don’t overshare - better yet, don’t speak : this is a joke but not really. People that talk too much, stop. It’s annoying. And it makes you really unhot. There’s nothing wrong with a lull in conversation. Leave people wanting more. Be a mystery, bb girl.

4. In that same vein, don’t overshare on Instagram : no one cares except for your mom. Be hard to find. Seeing you should be a treat.

5. Have a smell : preferably a good smell but a smell that’s your smell. You should find the smell pleasing because there’s something in pheromone science that says the smells you’re drawn to are the smells that will be best on you.

   

   did u know that Rocky told Rihanna not to come to court and she did anyway and he knew she did because he could smell her sitting right behind him ?? the power of scent !!!

6. Get a spray tan : if you think you’re depressed go get a spray tan and suddenly everything will feel right, safe and warm.

7. Put on sunglasses : it’s a little mysterious and a little Anna Wintour — you have people wondering if you’re checking them out, hungover or have a black eye.

8. Soft smile : RBF is out - smiling is in. If you make eye contact with someone give them a little soft smile. Do you like the girls outfit or think that the boy walking towards you is cute? Give em a soft bb girl smile.

9. Make eye contact : On that note, make eye contact when you’re talking and interacting with people and definitely if you’re checking them out.

10. Have good posture : Relax your shoulders. Stand or sit tall. Walk with intention and not hunched over your phone. Look soft and touchable but also statuesque.

11. Either dress slutty or dress like Adam Sandler : because in either situation you’re exuding confidence and making a statement. Either be almost naked or dress like a boy. Anything in between will make you look like a square millennial mom.

Nexxxt up:

would a rose by any other name still make the forbes billionaire list?

I’m not a journalist but this little section right here is the most journalist thing I’ve done so prepare yourself.

I’ve had this nagging thought about how all the top male CEOs and billionaires have 1-syllable names because a 1-syllable name is this quick, powerful thing you can say in tandem with a handshake on the golf greens. But my theory about names and richest people felt anecdotal. There’s so many rich people I don’t know the names of so I kind of left it. I’m sounding less and less like a journalist but TRUST ME YOU’RE NOT GOING TO WANT TO STOP READING HERE BECAUSE I’m about to reel it back.

I had ChatGPT pull the top 2K richest people and count the number of individuals who had 1-syllable names.

Good thing I listened to my journalistic intuition because when adjusted for Chinese names where last name comes first, 63% of the richest people in the world have first names that are 1-syllable.

So next time you decide to go by William instead of Bill or Kenneth instead of Ken - think again.

Hence forward, I’ll only be going by Han.

I even have a chart! (is this journalism???)

Actually I changed my mind, I hate our capitalist society’s glorification of billionaires, so I’m actually still going by Hanna.

★ MICHELIN RESTAURANTS ARE BETTER THAN ★★★ MICHELIN RESTAURANTS

the only things I can identify on this are a four leaf clover, three chives & crushed up oreos ?

And I might go so far as to say most no michelin starred restaurants are better than three star michelin restaurants.

“Why” I imagine you asking.

Because 3-star michelin restaurants are not about good food. They’re about the gastronomic experience (whatever that means) which usually comes in the form of 12-courses of food you can’t identify and fancy pandering to international rich business men.

The last time I went to a 3-star michelin restaurant they brought out a water menu where the cheapest water was 70 Euros (we spent 3 figures on water that night) and the wine menu required its own separate table that they brought over to our dining table. We spoke in our indoor voices, we couldn’t get drunk because we couldn’t afford more than one bottle and we left a little bit hungry. Cry cry cry.

Call me low-brow (not to my face, behind my back only please) but I prefer delicious family style food where we can let out our chest hair, order everything on the menu and be merry and make friends with everyone sitting near us.

Going out to dinner should feel like going to a party, not taking the SATs.
I can’t tell you about the notes hitting my palette because I don’t know where a palette. Is a palette an abstract thing or is it just your tongue?

There’s a time and a place for almost everything, but please, to all my subscribers, girlfriends, boyfriends and fans, stop inviting me to all these 3-star michelin dining experiences.

Okay, we’re done here. Bye.